ToaCx4 - Thoughts of a Crazy, Constitutionally Conservative Christian

SIXTEEN YEARS AGO


I was serving in the United Kingdom when Clinton's historic Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) policy was enacted, allowing, for the first time, a lift on the ban of homosexuals to serve in the Armed Forces. This was met, as you may be able to imagine, with derision and mockery from within the ranks, but it paled in comparison to the editorial cartoons reprinted in the Stars and Stripes overseas newspaper, the only forum we had in which to gauge U.S. reaction.

I was home on leave later the next year and had mentioned to my gay friends that I never understood why gays were so hell-bent on getting in the military what with it being forbidden and all. I asked them if it was a sort of rite-of-passage or a thrill to do something they weren't allowed to. One of them asked me if I figured out the answer. I had not and I'm ashamed to admit that once he told me, it still took me many years to understand it: They wanted to serve.

My Air Force sister-in-arms kat_rowe recently asked for signatures repealing the law on its anniversary, and I must admit, I'd not thought much about it. Fortunately, the link she posted provided a wealth of information for me to consider my options, and these are my findings.

• And yet issues with implementation – such as a vague and widely varied interpretation on what qualifies as a gay or lesbian ‘act’ – still exist.¹


• No one has to define for me what is, or is not, a homosexual act. There are many things I instinctively understand and this is one of them. Furthermore, the US Code is *crystal clear* to me: "any bodily contact, actively undertaken or passively permitted, between members of the same sex for the purpose of satisfying sexual desires;"²


• Sixty-seven percent of civilians support allowing gays to serve openly³


• That's fantastic! However, those civilians are not currently serving. I read your blogs - your biggest complaint on a bad day is what so-and-so said about you or the traffic. People living in prison have more rights and freedoms than I experienced while in Saudi Arabia. Frankly, your vote means nothing to me.


• Nearly three in four troops (73 percent) say they are personally comfortable in the presence of gays and lesbians.⁴


• And here's always the way it is. "Nearly" means its not, and is used only when trying to inflate something, and "comfortable" isn't exactly a rousing recommendation. To me, not seeing any difference whatsoever is key to its success. Obviously we're not there yet.


• More than 20 of the 26 NATO nations, including Great Britain, Australia, Canada and Israel, already allow open service by gays and lesbians, and none of the countries reports morale or recruitment problems.⁵


• How many of those services are manned by conscripts? You want to impress me with facts, compare our career infantrymen with theirs.

Sadly, these points I disagree with were gleaned from the anti-DADT website and the links they provided. At least they were thorough. Also linked is the 2009 winner of the Secretary of Defense National Security Essay Competition, "The Efficacy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”" which very succinctly outlines how complex this law is from several different legal viewpoints, but does challenge the stated "unit cohesion" verbiage of the law as being without scientific evidence⁶, but unfortunately does not back up his claim by providing scientific evidence to the contrary.

One last aspect I would like to touch on is religious beliefs. This one is hard even for me, because I was taught that homosexuality was a sin. Its difficult to unlearn a lifetime of lessons.

I have two books at my bedside, Lieutenant: the Marine Corps Code of Conduct and the King James Bible. The only proper authorities I am aware of are my commanding officer, Colonel Nathan R. Jessep, and the Lord our God.

~ Lt. Kendrick, "A Few Good Men"

The statement that "societal views have grown far more accommodating in the last 16 years..."⁷ I realized applied to me. I am part of that dynamic and undulating society and have learned and experienced much in that time. I've also learned that your sacred religious doctrine is nothing more than a societal tool itself, evolving as we do. It therefore no longer holds power over me.





If I was sitting on the fence throughout all of this, there was one notation from an Office of the Secretary of Defense memorandum which was quoted in Attitudes of Iraq and Afghanistan War Veterans toward Gay and Lesbian Service Members which I kept coming back to:

The Department of Defense has long held that, as a general rule, homosexuality is incompatible with military service because it interferes with the factors critical to combat effectiveness, including unit morale, unit cohesion, and individual privacy. Nevertheless, the Department of Defense also recognizes that individuals with a homosexual orientation have served with distinction in the armed services of the United States.⁸

Yes, they have. And they're no different from me.

Poll #1493282 DADT
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: None, participants: 9

Repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell?"

Repeal DADT: http://www.hrc.org/sites/voicesofhonor/index.asp^*

---

<sup>1 - http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2009/11/announcing-the-voices-of-honor-campaign ¶ 3.
2 - US Code Title 10, Subtitle A, Part II, Chapter 37 §654, ¶ F, Subcategory 3A.
3 - http://www.hrc.org/sites/voicesofhonor/dadt.asp ¶ 9.
4 - Ibid ¶ 10.
5 - Ibid ¶ 11.
6 - http://www.ndu.edu/inss/Press/jfq_pages/editions/i55/14.pdf Page 94, ¶ 1.
7 - Ibid Page 89, ¶ 3.
8 - http://www.palmcenter.org/files/active/0/randstudy.pdf Page 2, ¶4.

*Thanks to kat_rowe</sup>

Surely, surely, slumber is more sweet than toil, the shore
Than labor in the deep mid-ocean, wind and wave and oar;
Oh rest ye, brother mariners, we will not wander more.

~ Alfred Tennyson, "The Lotus-Eaters"

I have a friend who is so lazy, when he fails to complete tasks he is responsible for he irrationally treats follow-up questions as if the asker were demanding secular prophesies from him. His boss: "You didn't show up for work - are you coming in today?" My lazy friend: "What am I, Nostradamus?"

I have another friend who has so little intrinsic motivation, that he will actively and eagerly argue with you that if you set out to fail at life, and succeed, you should be considered a success. He's been arguing in favor of it for so long, its not only his mantra, but his lifestyle.

Given my propensity for onanisic flagellantism I chose to walk a mile in their shoes rather than cavernously bray theoretical ruminations; their empirical eye is blind with apathy yet they attempt to establish themselves as rulers over the gaping entropic suck-hole they perceive life to be. Their words are only that, meaningless and without conviction, for their callow existence holds nothing more.

Therefore, this holiday weekend, I did nothing.

Nothing at all.

And found it to be magnificent.

The great error in Rip’s composition was an insuperable aversion to all kinds of profitable labor.

~ Washington Irving, "Rip Van Winkle"

One memorable day in particular, I arose from a near-geochronological slumber only to make it as far as my recliner where I sat until it was time to go back to bed. That was a perfect day. My four-days off work felt more like four months. It was as if an era had passed - as if I'd fallen asleep behind the wheel of H.G. Wells' Time Machine and awoke to an unfamiliar world, with only a hint of what was still lingering in the air.

I still summarily dismiss any notion that your area of responsibility is somehow governed by drunk seers making overtly vague predictions or that disfiguring your face so occupational armies won't desire you in an attempt to fulfill a gross misrepresentation of text implicitly designed to enact a bloodless coup of your soul is a good idea.

But I did thoroughly enjoy being as lazy as you. I really did. But now I hold a power over you. Until you've tasted the sweet nectar of success through hard work and attitude as I've tasted the bittersweet allure of aggressive indifference, your hollow words have no more strength behind them.

I did nothing and it was fantastic and incomprehensibly refreshing and it would've destroyed me had I let it. I don't know what animates your empty carcass, but your rotting flesh assaults my nostrils. Dying lonely and unhappy, even if that were my goal, is still dying lonely and unhappy. No matter how I present it to myself, in the end, I would still be a miserable, dead loser, and there's nothing you can say which would make me desire that.

Though from this point forward its going to be an uphill battle. It calls to me, and now that I've tasted blood I want more. But strength of character will win this battle, and if I must, will sate other desires to mask the din. But in having submersed myself in this adversity I've given myself a great advantage in that I will now be able to recognize the warning signs. Will you?

Thank you. Thank you for the opportunity to unhinge myself from my responsibilities and experience your void. It was both distracting and comforting. Like freezing to death.

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

~ Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice"

And it's FAMILY DAY today! Yes, just myself, my wife, and our two children. What a relaxing day after all that driving and all that tryptophan, which really knocked me out early by the way. Well, maybe that and the Scotch, but I don't want to point any fingers.

Speaking of, I'll never buy an expensive bottle of Scotch again. I've found my ideal daily-drinker: McClelland's. They're pretty generic looking, with names such as, "Highlands," "Lowlands," "Islay" & "Speyside" to identify themselves, but at $21.99 a bottle (here in Anna), they're the best inexpensive Scotch I've ever had. Better than more expensive Scotch I've gotten on sale.

Anyway, so the boy and I are playing StarCraft today. Thing is, I'm playing on my Mac because Win7 renders it like this:


Win7

Win95/Win98/Win2000/ME/XP & OSX

ehowton & friend

I like good beer. Crisp pilsners, flavorful ales, strong stouts and light lagers. In Germany the beer you order is served in that beer's branded glass, and outside a fest stein, a glass particular to the type of beer ordered. Pilsner comes in a pilsner glass, weizens in a weizen glass, and so on and so forth. Drinking beer in Germany is not just a pastime, its an entire culture.

In England, due to strict regulations, all beer of any variety is mandated to only be served in an "Imperial Pint" that is, a bulged conical glass with the mark of the Queen etched into it certifying that you are being served a full legal pint. And let me tell you - those of you who've never tasted unpasteurized British beer have zero comparison to the bottled stuff they export to the United States.

I get downright giddy when I think of my time overseas, and all the fantastic beer I consumed. Sometimes, cracking open a mini-keg of German beer, I weep. I weep for what's been lost in the pasteurization process. Then I drink. I drink and weep. But eventually the beer cheers me up and I stop weeping.

Now some of you may have heard that us Texans are a rather proud people. And while that's true, we're also usually pretty honest. If something sucks, we'll say so, even if its to our own detriment. Its a matter of pride (see how that works?) For example, I'm not a fan of domestic wines, and of all the domestic wines California wines are the bane of my existence, but I'll be the first to say that Texas wine is worse. We simply do not have the ability to produce good wine. But we do make good beer.

Enter Spoetzl Brewery. I won't repeat anything you can read on Wikipedia, but it was during my Pilsner Urquel days in STL that drax0r called me, begging me to try Spoetzl's flagship beer, Shiner Bock. As many of you know, I'm not what you'd call an, "early adopter" so I dismissed him until I could no longer. Many kegs of the stuff later, I became an outspoken proponent of the work they were doing in the little brewery in Shiner, Texas. I love their bock, I love their black lager, and I love their 100th anniversary doppelbock. For the United States to have a beer this good, makes me weep less.


Shiner Family Reunion

More recently, my excitable friend drax0r discovered Shiner Smokehaus. Once again, I didn't have time for his "Ooooh, shiny!" behavior. And much like the time he bought Boondock Saints for me because I wouldn't have otherwise watched it, he also bought me entire cases of Shiner Smokehaus. Sadly, he always ended up drinking them before I had an opportunity to upturn the bottle to my lips.

So there I was, gearing up for unixwolf's visit to Anna when I spied a six-pack of the stuff in the cooler nestled between other flavors of Shiner. A lightbulb went off in my head, and I picked it up. When I got home, I cracked it open. And Just like the scene in Ratatouille when the food critic is instantly transported to his happy childhood at his first bite, so it was with me when that delicious beer entered my mouth, and swirled down my throat. I was in my father's backyard and he was smoking brisket on the smoker, with a side of smoke.

You see, Smokehaus is brewed with malt which has been smoked with mesquite. And while it seems unlikely that this would affect the taste of the beer much, I assure you, I was drinking a smoked brisket. It was fanastic. Some of the beers overseas are so filling, they're affectionately called, "liquid bread." I've had those beers - its not an exaggeration. I submit to you, dear reader, that I was drinking "liquid smoked brisket" and God was it fantastic. I've never (and I mean never) tasted anything like it in all my travels of this globe. Belgium monks? Pussies.

When my folks came down, I pulled out my mesquite smoking chips, and soaked them in Shiner Smokehaus beer prior to placing the metal basket on the heat shield of my gas grill. I smoked those burgers a good 20-minutes before applying fire to them. I know that every time I grill burgers, I tell you that they're the best burgers I've ever grilled. But I hope you can now appreciate that when I say these were the best burgers I've ever grilled, you've got a little history and understanding of why these were the best burgers I've ever grilled.

Jägerbombs. Fairybombs. Is the Food & Drug Administration going to make those illegal to drink in your own home? Are they going to start arming their body armor clad agents with P90s roaming for busts? What if you have a bottle of Jägermeister in your home, and also a can of Red Bull? Will this be considered paraphernalia and therefore cause for arrest?

Probably not. At least not yet. However, the FDA doesn't remember approving pre-mixed alcoholic energy drinks. Yes, they exist. Flavored malt beverages with the same time-shifting formula as in energy drinks. Think alcoholic Monster or Budweiser Energy.

But are they safe to drink? The FDA doesn't think so. Therefore, I set out to do a little experimenting on my own, volunteering my own body for science (the things I won't put in my body is a short list indeed).

There are some of my readers who eschew empirical data as flawed. Despite what I actually experience, they prefer whitepaper studies while never experiencing anything first hand themsevles, ever. Arrogant? Yes - these are the same people who'll argue with me about what I've experienced if it differs from what they've read. These pantophobics should not be allowed internet connections.

Here we go.

Sparks (The Steel Brewing Company) comes in both 6.0% and 7.0% alcohol by volume and tastes fantastic next to two 12% drinks, MAX Live (The Max Beverage Company) and Earthquake High Gravity Lager (Drink Four Brewing Company). All three came in gigantic 24-ounce cans.

I downed the Sparks on an empty stomach and immediately felt at peace. A depth of peace within myself, and with the world. It was very soothing having so much peace in me, and I wished more people had as much peace in their life as I was experiencing, because then we'd all just get along. I wanted to reach out and touch people. Physically touch them. I wanted to show them my peace.

I didn't feel dangerous, or threatening.

I was feeling so good about myself in fact, and everyone else on this planet, that I had a longing to drink another. A deep thirst ached from within and no amount of liquid would sate it. I needed another caffeinated alcoholic beverage. I upended Earthquake, got queasy, and passed out at an unprecedented 1900 hours. How very unexpected.

Drank the MAX Live the next day. Let me tell you, these drinks are one wild ride. I mean, they are a lot of fun. And cheap? These things are pretty inexpensive. Like a 40 of malt liquor inexpensive, but way more fun. Dangerous? Probably. More dangerous than anything else in your house? Unlikely. So who's responsibility is is to ensure you're drinking responsibly? If you answered, "The Federal Government" you deserve everything you get. Now go sit in the corner.

Several recent scientific studies published in peer reviewed journals demonstrate the dangers of mixing caffeine and alcohol. As these studies show, stimulants such as caffeine appear to mask the intoxicating effects of alcohol, which may lead to increased risk-taking and other serious alcohol-related problems such as traffic accidents, violence, sexual assault, and suicide.

From the above FDA statement, its clear to me that recent scientific studies don't demonstrate shit. I'm not upset by the FDA's motivation, rather their audacity. They're not dumb enough to suggest that violence and suicide don't take place without mixing caffeine and alcohol, but by only providing negative side-effects as a mere possibility they're doing me a great disservice.

The Andrew Sisters should be arrested. Suggesting one mix rum with Coke is akin to treason. So grab a case of these bad boys before they fly off the shelves, and vote to severely limit the Federal Government. Sure your risk-taking might increase. You might also find the love of your life, or discover a hidden talent. A little risk is healthy every now and then.

Just...always wear protection when you're wrestling with the Green Fairy ;)